Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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