First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize