saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize