True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
