Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
