There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
