taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
