I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
