I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
