I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize