I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
