I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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