My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
