don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize