ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
