when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
