i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
