I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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