Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
