Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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