the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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