3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
