Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
