i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
