Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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