the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
