I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
