Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
