last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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