Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's never too late to be topless.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
