"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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