You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
