I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
