I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
