the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
this hospital has no fireball
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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