Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
false alarm. still invincible.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
