I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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