Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sorry about my life...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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