Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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