Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
