Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
