I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
