Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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