Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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