Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
