no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
