omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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