I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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