period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
