At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
