Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
