everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
