Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
