i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
