I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
