They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
